turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
