Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
