What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize