i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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