My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
a search helicopter?!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
