Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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