You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
