Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
