just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
