dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
