I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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