The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
