i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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