My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
