You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
