Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
