I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
