i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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