i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
