i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
