OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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