I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
