my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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