I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
