I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
