i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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