Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
