I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
