i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
