He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
