Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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