and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
