Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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