my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize