so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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