Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
