i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
