The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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