Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
