What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
