I should be sponsored by Trojan
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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