you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize