I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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