WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You can't special order awesome
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
