Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize