I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
