Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
