Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
