My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
is wine microwaveable?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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