I can tuck mytits in my pants
They should really pass out barf bags in church
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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