So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
