The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
