I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
