in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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