I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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