guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
