That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
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