Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
