In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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