The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize